by Chris
(UK)

I feel so guilty and utterly heartbroken at having put my beautiful Sophie to sleep. One minute she was fit and healthy but suddenly had vomiting and diarrhea. I now feel that I should have given her more of a chance!

She was initially being treated by our Vet for a stomach bug then a food intolerance, but she started losing weight and became very listless. Eventually, I had to get my wife to take her to a different out of hours emergency Vet because I couldn't face going. There, the Vet said she was a very sick cat and discovered a large mass in her stomach. My wife left Sophie there and came home to give me the news.

The Vet said Sophie was far too weak to be able to do further investigation at that time and was very dehydrated, they wanted my advice on what to do. I didn't want her to suffer unduly, so decided to have her put to sleep. My wife was with her, I was too emotional and upset to attend.

This all happened over 6 weeks ago, but my feeling of loss and guilt is still as bad as ever. I've had pets all my life. I'm 67 years of age, so it's not a new thing! But Sophie was different somehow. She was a rescue cat and appeared very vulnerable when I saw her for the first time. She looked so pleased to see me, and this look stayed with her all her life. She was still purring when I stroked her on the day she died.

Whenever I came home she was waiting behind the door and 'talked' to me. She followed me everywhere, sat behind me at this computer, followed me into bed and was there first thing in the morning. I'm utterly lost without her and wonder if I will ever get over these really miserable feelings?

I now have Sophie's ashes at home with me, which also makes me sad seeing them on the shelf, but I'm glad that part of her is back home again.

At the time I thought it was the right decision, but I now feel that I was too hasty and should have explored more options. I can't get this terrible feeling of guilt from my mind. I miss her so very much.