by Jennifer
(Florida)

Peanut passed away almost four weeks ago and I still can not stop crying. I miss my baby Peanut so much. He was only four years old, and it all happened so suddenly.

Thursday, when I left for work, Peanut was fine. He tried to keep me from leaving as long as he could. He tried to delay me from going to work, just like he did every day. He would play and want kisses or treats or anything to keep me from leaving. I kissed him goodbye and told him I loved him and to be a good boy.

When I came home, he was laying in his sleeping bag just looking at me. I knew when he did not meet me at the door that something was wrong. From Thursday to Monday, he was at the emergency vet twice and at his regular vet twice.

He had an i.v. placed Thursday night, and Friday he seemed better. When he came home he ate a little, but would not drink on Friday night. So that Saturday, I came home at lunch time to check on him, and that was the last time he met me at the door. By Sunday night he was in pain and would not eat. He took one bite and stiffened up and meowed. Because Peanut hardly every meowed, back to the emergency vet he went.

They thought he had a blockage in his intestines and needed surgery. Peanut's regular vet thought he had pancreatitis. He had X-ray, sonograms, blood work, and already $1300.00 dollars into his visit, they wanted to do exploratory surgery on him. Sadly, Peanut was so sick by then that he probably would not make it through the surgery alive.

Why did they not say they wanted to do surgery on the first night, not four days later when he was so sick? Peanut spent that Monday with the vet, and I was supposed to bring him back to the vet on Tuesday mourning. The vet said he had done great that day. His heart was enlarged, though, and he had thick intestines.

The vet assured me that he should be okay at home overnight. He was on the bottom bookshelf, laying there resting. I gave him a warm blanket and covered him up, and he was happy pawing at the warm blanket that had just come out of the dryer. At midnight, he was laying with his head on his paws, sleeping. I though he must be feeling better, and I laid on the floor next to him to sleep a little after midnight.

Sadly, at 3 a.m., I woke up to Peanut taking his last grasp of air. He was laying still next to me with his head on my pillow when he took his last breath.

I feel so guilty. I was not awake with him before he died. I could not save him. I miss my Peanut so much. I feel so bad putting him though all of the trips to the vet and him still dying. Peanut hated going to the vet.

I miss him sleeping with me at night and greeting me at the door when I came home from work. He was always so happy to see me. My boyfriend said he would sit there and wait 30 minutes (or more sometimes) for me to come home, just watching the door for me.

Peanut loved to ride around on my shoulders. He loved his treats and to chase his laser pointer light. Peanut loved to lay on the front porch in the morning sunlight. I can still remember how he looked laying in the sun. He was so happy. Most of all, Peanut loved his children. I still have three of them that he had before he was neutered.

Peanut was such a wise and gentle soul. He had a way to always let me know what he wanted. I raised Peanut from when he was just four days old after his mom passed away. I was so scared he wouldn't make it because he was so tiny. But he did, and Peanut was my angel.

He gave me so much love and I never knew I could love anyone as much as I loved and still love my Peanut. No one I know understands how much pain I am in from losing him. I still expect to see him in his favorite places around the house. He especially loved his pink sleeping bag that he had for years. It was lumpy, but he would not let me get rid of it. I buried him with it because he loved it so much.

Everywhere I look reminds me of him. I have never felt such pain, I would have gladly have taken his place. I do not think I will ever get over the pain of losing my Peanut, and I do not even know why.